I came home from Zara yesterday with five things and didn't actually look at the labels until I was removing them in my bedroom. That's when I realised - extra small, small. medium. Three different sizes across five items from the exact same brand, all of which I'd tried on and bought because they actually fit.
For most of my life, I have been a UK 8 or Small (my mom jokes I could still fit into my high school uniform and just maybe I could). I would walk into a store already knowing what I was going to reach for, and if something didn't come in that number, or if I had to go up to a medium or a UK 10, there was this small internal collapse. A very quiet panic that something about me had changed in a way I should apologise for. Because I thought your body isn't supposed to be unpredictable or your size is supposed to stay still so you can stay ‘in control’.
But bodies don't work that way. Mine has especially shifted over this last year. I've lost weight after gaining some. There's less inflammation, a lot less in fact. I'm moving differently, eating differently, sleeping a little better - and probably all of it happening at once. I also buy the medium now without flinching.
But I still think most of us hold onto a size like it's proof of something, like the number is the evidence that we're okay, we're in control, we're not falling apart. We spend so much energy fighting our own bodies, waiting for them to stay still long enough that we can feel safe in them. And it's exhausting. It's pointless. It’s so silly. Your body isn't your enemy just because it changed sizes. It's just living, as we are meant to.
There's still vanity in there for me, of course. There's probably always going to be. But I'm done apologising to myself for not fitting into a number I picked when I was a completely different person. Five items, three sizes, and they all work because I'm actually wearing them instead of them wearing me.
M.
M’s Currents
A small thing I loved this week: no structure or theme, just sharing some favourites.
Productivity: I have borrowed (permanently) Mihir’s Plaud and connected it to my Claude Cowork, which is already connected to my Gmail, so I basically get all my meeting summaries, insights (based on a Claude skill I created) and action points daily, ready to fire in my inbox. Voila!
xx
Manuja
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